So many women are sick and tired of dating in their current city that they actually fantasize about what it would be like to meet someone in another city.  Technology and the lowered cost of traveling have inspired many women to follow their career paths around the world.  However, few women are able to anticipate how much a city’s culture impacts the rules of dating.  It is no secret that many New York women who have been flocking to San Francisco and Silicon Valley have been quite unhappy with their dating prospects in New York.  Women in New York are used to a pick up artist mentality that places seduction in the category of over sexualized behavior rather than true sensuality.    So when these women arrive in San Francisco, there is a little bit of a culture shock.  It can be a shock that lasts for years as women contemplate where all the “good” men have gone.

Much to the contrary, men have not gone anywhere.

San Francisco and Silicon Valley have many eligible, single men looking for a real relationship.  They are not all Peter Pans avoiding commitment and they are not all gay either.  For a NY woman to be successful in her dating life in San Francisco, she is going to have to learn some seduction and dating skills to learn her new environment.  That’s right.  All the seduction and dating skills you learned in NY can go right out the window if you plan to stay in the Bay Area.

San Francisco is NOT New York.  You need to use your seduction skills to entice men to speak with you.

While New York has most definitely been ripping off the best of San Francisco (thank goodness for the better coffee), a New York attitude will not get you very far in the Bay Area.  Neither will your black wardrobe.  San Francisco is a culture based off of breaking with conventional rules, innovation and relationship building.  Then man sitting at the coffee shop in what looks like a dirty t-shirt and jeans may actually be a billionaire.  Money is not used to buy status driven material possessions (although there are a few car fanatics in the area).  Money is used to disrupt the status quo and make the world a better place.

How does a New York woman improve her chances of dating in San Francisco and Silicon Valley?


Learn some dating strategy and seduction skills.

New York is a move conventional dating city with more clearly defined gender roles.  San Francisco is blurry and people like it that way.  If you see someone you are interested in at a party or event, be willing to make the initial introduction or at the very least, give a signal (a warm smile, lingering eye contact) that you are indeed interested.  If you appear in a foul mood, unapproachable or too status driven, most men will not want to speak with you.  Men would rather invest their time in someone with a sunnier disposition.

Offer to split the check immediately.  

It is common convention in New York for the man to pay the bill – no questions asked.  Some men even get offended if a woman tries to hard to pay the check.  In the Bay Area, not offering will guarantee that you never see the guy again.  If you asked him out, also be willing to pick up the tab.  He will kindly reciprocate on the next date and this should not be seen as a red flag in the Bay Area.

Become the best dinner party hostess you can be.

The culture of the Bay Area is very health focused.  As such, drinking at bars and lounges does not last well into your 30s as it might in other cities.  Many people feel more comfortable at more intimate dinner parties.  The best way to work you social network is to offer to host and encourage your friends to invite new people (who are hopefully single) to your party every time.

Stop comparing San Francisco to New York.  

It is so hard for true New Yorkers to stop this behavior and I will admit that I am very much a culprit of this one.  The more that you can try to embrace your new home and not make comparisons the faster you will transition from a WTF moment to appreciating what the Bay Area has to offer.

Change your dating mindset.  

The most harmful thing that any woman does while she is single is to convince herself that there simply is a lack of eligible bachelors.  Just like with money, this poverty mindset will get you nowhere.  Try practicing noticing the number of men you pass on a daily basis.  Are you missing opportunities to connect with other?  Most of us are.  Try to be curious about other people and stay off your iPhone while walking down the street!  This is a good opportunity to learn some seduction skills.  Use it learn how to connect with men.

Figure out what you really want.  

If dating is not going swimmingly while you are in the Bay Area, use the downtime to figure out what you really want.  It is difficult to find the right person when you cannot even imagine what that life might look like.  Take advantage of San Francisco’s close proximity to Napa, Sonoma, Lake Tahoe or Big Sur and take yourself on a retreat.   The Bay Area promotes personal growth and development and you should take advantage of this while you can.

Understand that dating in this culture may leave you feeling “unfulfilled.”  

Many women complain that the men are nice enough in the Bay Area but these relationships are missing something.  While you most certainly should not settle, you may want to look into your own personality and your desires and make sure you are making healthy decisions.  A lack of drama can often be a sign of a healthy relationship.

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes speaking on seduction at the Commonwealth Club © 2016 Rikki Ward

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes speaking on seduction at the Commonwealth Club
© 2016 Rikki Ward

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes speaking on seduction at the Commonwealth Club

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes speaking on seduction at the Commonwealth Club

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