Is your date playing games?

One of the complaints I hear from all of my clients is that they are tired of “game playing.” They are tired of someone’s “hot and cold” behavior, someone who comes on too strongly in the beginning and then ghosts them, or someone who does not seem to know what they want. At this stage of my work with a client, I empathize with their frustration but I also push them to understand that their date’s behavior is conveying useful data. In fact, it can be quite easy to deduce whether someone is really playing the manipulative game of seduction or is simply scared of being in a new relationship. This information is invaluable and should guide your personal dating strategy.

The Date who Blows “Hot and Cold”

Common conventional dating advice highlights this strategy as emotionally immature. It certainly may be. However, this strategy has long been used as a tool of seduction to increase attraction and desire. In today’s modern dating culture, there are many people who may employ its use on purpose while there are others that simply have no idea what they are doing. I have experienced this first hand and can sympathize with my clients about how frustrating it is – that is until you take your emotions out of the equation. This tool is employed by someone whose character is more of a Coquette who is trying to frustrate you on purpose and only offers a glimmer of hope for happiness, pleasure and perhaps power. This date wants you to chase him or her and it is this game that he or she enjoys immensely.

If you know that your date wants you to chase them AND you can begin to separate your emotions from the situation, you will realize that there are two potential reasons for your dates behavior: He or she is sophisticated enough to do this on purpose OR he does not know what he wants.

What is the Solution for Handling this Type of Seductive Behavior?

The solution? Date other people and do not chase him or her. If he or she is simply confused or scared your absence will likely invite them to stop playing games and ask you what is going on.   This is especially important for women as we tend to fall for these games more often than not. If you stop pursuing and he comes around, it is okay to confront the behavior. Any sign of defensiveness rather than an apology should give you the data you need to know that this person is not looking for a serious relationship. Once you have that data, you may choose whether to continue to enjoy the game playing or move on.

Many of my clients know that I spend much of my time dancing. It is not unheard of in the Latin dance community for men to use their dance skills to try to pick up women.  While there have been many happy couples forged through their love of dance, it is also the place where I personally learned about the man who “blows hot and cold.” These men are usually attractive, have good dance skills and seem aloof and mysterious. You do not find them speaking to many other people and there is usually a ton of chemistry exuded in the beginning. Did I fall “victim” to one of these guys. Probably.  Yet,  I continue to enjoy the game to this day. Once I figured out that he was playing, I cut out my emotions from our interactions. Every once in awhile they resurface and I remind myself that I am human. It happens when you see someone on a regular basis.

Why Cultivating a Life your Love is Key

What this person does not know is that I have done a good job cultivating real friendships and relationships in our shared community. Both men and women contact me to share information about this person and it has helped me stay grounded in my conviction that I will never chase him nor will I fall for him. In this way, I can enjoy the flirtatious behavior on the dance floor and not worry about anything else. Understanding his behavior has given me the freedom to just be myself.  The unintended but wonderful consequence is that freedom makes me highly attractive to all the other men in our community as well.

Tips for Navigating your Date’s “Hot and Cold” Behavior

If you have been experiencing the pain of dealing with someone who goes “hot and cold,” sign up for top 10 tips on handling this behavior!



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Dr. Jennifer Rhodes

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes

Licensed Psychologist and Founder of Rapport Relationships

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes is a dating coach and seduction expert.  She provides dating strategy, consultation, and date coaching services to clients all over the world.  She a dating coach based in NYC and a frequently sought out media expert on the topics of seduction, dating, divorce, and relationships.

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