From Casanova to Tinder: The Downfall of Seduction and Sensuality
I am not quite sure how our culture has gone from the days of Casanova to Tindering but things have certainly changed in dating. Our culture seems to believe that if you put two people in a room together who are “right for each other” than all kinds of magic will happen. As a matchmaker, I can tell you that this is not the case. It is not the physical proximity that ignites the spark that everyone is seeking. Chemistry is actually created and we have lost the ability to manifest it simply because most of us do not understand the basic tenets of attraction and seduction.
What is Seduction Really About?
Over the years, and certainly since Neil Strauss published his book The Game, seduction has received negative attention. Spurring an industry of what some people consider manipulative pick up artists, seduction has become synonymous with ill intention and sleaziness. Unfortunately, the average person often misses the more sophisticated meaning behind seduction as a process – one that is often a very intellectual one. Seduction simply refers to the social skills one uses to focus on another person. Seduction requires you to have enough skill to stop worrying about whether someone likes you, to focus on their needs, to find out their desires, and to create a courtship that involves romance and sometimes a little bit of an illusion. It is not meant to hurt others (although there are examples displayed in our media about overly seductive personas using their skills for less than noble pursuits).
I have started to work with more and more men in my coaching practice who want to learn these so-called seduction skills. They think that seduction is a line used, a word choice or a technique. While much of the pick up artist community will tell these men that seduction IS those skills, they are not. Someone who truly embodies what it means to be seductive can say almost anything, do almost anything and still charm a date, friend or a community. Seduction requires self-confidence and a healthy desire to learn about other people.
In today’s Tindering culture, we are so focused on ourselves that we cannot even begin to think about a long term dating strategy that would use seduction as a way to court someone into a long-term relationship. Both men and women are guilty of destroying the very thing that they desire. We all want to be seduced but rarely are able to let go of our fears long enough to allow someone into our lives with these skills.
So what is considered anti-seductive in today’s world?
Asking someone out but not having a plan.
The great seducers always plan ahead. They are thoughtful about the environment and take great steps towards getting to know someone just well enough to choose an environment that will help create chemistry. Whoever does the asking better well understand this process. It does not need to be an expensive wine bar but it does need to be an environment that creates relaxation and the energy for chemistry to happen.
Talking about work before anything else.
One of my biggest pet peeves in NY is the focus on what everyone does for a living. Honestly, it really doesn’t matter – especially on a first date or when you first meet someone. You job is to see if you are having a good time with someone first. Talking about work shifts the energy into a job interview scenario and automatically elicits boring conversation.
Spending too much time with the person when you first meet him or her.
If you are out with your friends and happen to meet someone, great!! Do not spend the rest of the night with him or her. Simply get to the point where exchanging numbers is appropriate and move on. Chemistry is often killed before it gets started by spending too much time together.
Not recognizing that a spark is just a spark.
I have sparks with lots of people and I am going to assume many of you do too. That does not mean that person is right for you. If you skip past the seductive process you do not give either of you a chance to see what the potential is AND you miss out on a lot of fun along the way!
Not having your own life.
Many dating coaches and matchmakers make it a point to work with their clients to make sure they have a life they love prior to introducing them to other people. Why? It helps manage anxiety, makes you appear more desirable and will help your relationship last longer. Most people do not realize that long-term relationships need space as well as closeness for them to work well over time. Having your own life and your own goals from the start will set the stage for long term relationship success AND you will have more fun
Seduction is not a dirty word
In general, seduction should not be a dirty word. Our culture has actually become less seductive as we have become more sexualized in our media and with the advent of technology coinciding with the hookup culture. Those who are in the know about what seduction really is often enjoy a much more fulfilling dating life and end up in marriages with long term potential.
Rapport takes steps to walk all clients through a 90 day process to help them do a complete transformation and to help them work on their seduction skills. To get started, contact Dr. Rhodes for either your free mini consultation or book your dating strategy session now.
Dr. Jennifer Rhodes
Licensed Psychologist and Founder of Rapport Relationships
Dr. Jennifer Rhodes is a dating coach and seduction expert. She provides dating strategy, consultation, and date coaching services to clients all over the world. She a dating coach based in NYC and a frequently sought out media expert on the topics of seduction, dating, divorce, and relationships.