“I don’t want a gold digger,” is probably one of the main complaints I get from my male clients who are frustrated with dating.  They say they want someone to see them for who they really are and not for their money.  They want to fall in love and live their best life with someone who respects what they bring to the table.  I get it.  All of us want to be seen and heard for our real selves.  We want people to see us for our authenticity.

Except that the antidote to remedy this complaint is often not something they are ready to hear.  They are not ready to be called on their judgement of someone else’s behavior nor are they ready to examine why they may be attracting lower energy people into their life.  The truth of the matter is that people who value money above everything else are usually operating based on primitive biological drives to find resources.  As a species, humans are driven to spread their sperm and procreate but they are also driven to evaluate whether the option presented to them for procreation has enough resources to ensure the survival of offspring. Thousands of years ago, if you wanted your babies to survive, you needed to compete for the stronger males who could provide resources for you while you were pregnant and while the child was young.  “Gold diggers”, in my opinion, are operating from this more primitive place based on not only biology but deep seated social conditioning (and perhaps relational trauma) that stems back generations. 

The key to stop attracting them is to let go of your fear that you will. There are plenty of people who can connect at a more conscious level and transcend any biological and cultural programming.  The problem is that these “high value” partners will also see that you haven’t moved to a more conscious place yourself!  Your fear is keeping you mired in a lower energy that will never attract another type of person. Not wanting a “gold digger” is a sign that your inner work needs to begin!

Many of our culture’s today are undergoing drastic revisions of what it means to date and get married.  There are many cultures where women still “require” men to make a certain amount of money and where men feel like their chances for marriage are non-existent because their careers are no longer providing them with the financial resources to meet these needs.  There is a lot of global fear of rejection from women based on one’s financial resources.  When you live in this fear either because of lack OR because this is your strength, you will attract people who value money above anything else.

The problem is the same for the person who doesn’t have enough as it is for someone who has more than enough – the focus of life is on working and making money.

A conscious, high value person looks beyond your financial resources because she is in alignment with her mind-body-soul connection.  She no longer looks to see if you have or do not have financial resources but rather looks to see how you use your resources or how you think about the lack of resources.  An abundance mindset is something this person values and this is different than the actual numbers in your bank account!  It is the reason why many high value women divorce their partners who, on paper, look amazing due to their work ethic and amount of money in the bank.  At some point her soul wants creativity, it wants passion, it wants health and wellbeing.  It wants someone who is in full alignment and when she meets that person who may not have as much money but can offer those experiences – she does not hesitate to leave for the salsa instructor, the hairstylist or photographer.  These clichés have wisdom attached to them!

If you want a high value partner, you must become high value yourself.  You must disconnect from defining yourself by your work, by your titles, by where you went to school, by how much money you have in the bank, by how many cars or homes you own.  You must stop judging others who desire security and believe that money is what will give them the security they seek (it will not).  It is their journey to walk.  When you begin to commit to yourself and allowing yourself to go on the journey to become who you really are, you will automatically filter out any “gold digger” and find yourself surrounded by a community of people who bring you peace and joy.

I once conducted an initial assessment of a client who was a multi-millionaire.  He was recently divorced and although he loved his wife, never felt that she was his soulmate.  He admitted to marrying her because she had more money than he did initially (and he came from a wealthy family).  So, at this point in midlife, he wanted to find someone who could see beyond his net worth.  We conducted his assessment and found out that he was highly exploratory by nature and highly creative.  He was not living true to who he really was and stated he had no interest in exploring his creativity.  When told that now would be a good time for exploration he stated he just wanted to hire a matchmaker to find him a woman who didn’t need to live off him.  I told him I couldn’t help him and referred him to a typical matchmaker.  He’s still single simply because he is not ready to see the wonderful opportunity to step out of his comfort zone and do things differently this time around.  He continues to complain about “gold diggers” but is not ready to look at how he is screening them into his life.  He dos not understand that creative energy is connected to our sexual energy and that finding joy would make his relationships and sex life better.  These cases break my heart.  They are full of so much potential but the fear is too embedded for them to move forward.

We are also living in a time where more men are committing suicide because they no longer believe they have a chance to get married because they do not have enough money.  On the contrary, there is great opportunity emerging now to be the pioneers and explorers who propel our next stages of evolution of what marriage means to us today.  Instead of absorbing the rejection and taking it to heart, it’s an opportunity to pause, reflect, and observe what is really needed.  It is an opportunity to go off by oneself and decide how to live this life.  It’s time to learn other skills, meet other people and open oneself up to the possibility that what your culture and your loved ones are telling you about what is needed to get married is a bunch of nonsense.

We now have the luxury to move beyond this rigid thinking and the “should” of what it means to “marry well.”

Instead of complaining about “gold diggers,” be our pioneer.  Be our explorer.  Do what it takes to make your soul happy.  Stop choosing from your mind and believe in what your heart really wants. Open yourself up to the lesson that is sitting right in front of you – that the very thing you believe you are being punished for is the biggest gift you could ask for.  You are being given the opportunity to become who you authentically are without being tied to a conventional marriage!  If we stop assuming that there is something wrong with the darkness that comes along with the journey, we have a shot at transformation.  In fact, for the client that has nothing, it is often easier to accept the opportunity for transformation.  Fear of the “gold digger” keeps many financially wealthy people caught in the ruins of a negative mindset that leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Breaking this energy is not easy but it certainly can be done!

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes

Licensed Psychologist and Founder of Rapport Relationships

Dr. Jennifer B. Rhodes is a relationship expert and the forthcoming author of Toxic Insecurity: Why Relationships Matter Most in Our Search for Happiness, Love, and Authentic Power.  She is based in New York and a frequently sought out media expert on the topics of seduction, dating, divorce, and relationships.

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