Over the past week, we have heard about a crowd funding campaign that will allow New York City women to travel to San Francisco to meet eligible men. The thinking is that there are way too many women in New York and more men in San Francisco. Seems like the perfect solution, doesn’t it?
It would be if the dating problem in both cities was really about supply and demand. In my opinion, it’s not the full story.
In San Francisco, we have absolutely amazing single women. There is no shortage of eligible men either. Yet, I have a ton of single people complaining about how hard it is to date in San Francisco. I hear the same comments from men and women and I ‘m pretty sure if I put them in the same room together there would be few connections. It is not just about numbers here. The perception of most of my clients dating in San Francisco is that all the good ones are married or are unwilling to settle down (e.g. Peter Pan syndrome). From my former east coast clients, I hear that they are tired of the high levels of entitlement and the lack of gratitude that accompanies early stages of dating. These comments do not necessarily imply a lack of men or women. Rather, they imply high levels of frustration due to a lack of synchronicity in personal values and the difficulty in branching out of one’s comfort zone to find people who may be a better fit.
Personal values are those principles near and dear to us. We often function and make decisions in our personal and professional lives based off of our values without knowing how to describe them. We are often easily offended when people encroach on our personal values and may not know why we are so upset. In a dating context we often dismiss someone after a first date because of values violations but simply state that there was no chemistry.
Rapport specifically works with clients one-on-one to help them articulate and understand their personal values prior to engaging in further online dating or matchmaking. Why? It is impossible to screen if you do not know what is a deal breaker, what you are looking for, and who you are.
Understanding the way another person responds to your personal values can give you more information about the long term potential of a relationship than a checklist of desirable traits.
Every day I work with clients who want their dates to act in a certain way. We will go back and look at their personal values to understand why they are upset and then I ask them a powerful question: If you are looking for X, why are you living in a city that supports Y?
Research suggests choosing the right city, one that matches your values and personality, is a huge factor in your overall health and well-being. So if you believe you are living in a city that is in sync with your personal values then taking the time to open yourself up to new people in your city is probably a better place to start. If, however, you are willing to fly across the country to meet people who may or may not be serious about a relationship , I would ask you if you are flying because you are tired of jerks or are you going because you are attracted to the culture of the city and the promise that of meeting someone who supports that culture? Knowing what you are looking for will save you a ton of time, frustration and money. Because the truth is, there are jerks in all cities, and you will likely continue to date jerks in all cities until you figure out who you are and what you value.
So to those women who may soon hop on a plane to travel to San Francisco, please leave your New York expectations and your little black dress behind. San Franciscan men are looking for intelligent women who are passionate about their life, changing the wold, and finding an equal partnership. If you share these values, we welcome you to San Francisco. Just don’t expect the men to change if you don’t like what you see.