All Women have Dating Failures
As a psychologist and dating coach, I have read almost all the literature related to pick up artist strategy and seduction. Not in an effort to learn tools to manipulate people but to simply learn and help my clients be more successful in their day-to-day lives. Yet, the more and more one learns the more one experiences personal successes and, at times, failures.
I had one of those moments recently. I completely goofed up my own dating strategy. A carefully thought out plan that was moving forward swimmingly was completely derailed by a momentary lack of presence and observation. My mistake was a misstep that I see many of my female clients make all the time. Well educated, ambitious and successful women become very good at reeling the men in only to make them feel like they can never make her happy. Most men are not programmed to want to be with a woman they cannot see themselves making happy. Honestly, who would want to be in that kind of relationship? I wouldn’t. Yet, for whatever reason, whether we get nervous, drop our guard too fast or simply get scared, we start babbling about our successes and stop reading his cues. We forget to validate his efforts, we drop the very warmth that attracted him in the first place and we reinforce his own fears that we are some how a crazy person.
What do Men Want?
The bottom line is that men simply want to feel good and choose women who they feel good around.
They do not need to know that you are writing a book, that your career is taking off or how much money you make. My misstep was not in being ambitious or successful, it was simply babbling about work during a time when he was beginning to pull back because his feelings were developing and he had a guy’s trip planned. Rather than preemptively planning for this conversation, I went from having a great weekend to asking myself WTF just happened because I forgot to anticipate this relatively normal pull back phenomenon.
Have you been there? I think all women know this routine. You meet someone. Things are going well and then all of sudden he flips the rules, changes his pattern of contact and you have no idea what happened. You slipped up and got too comfortable. What do you do now?
Pull Back and Seduce your Community
Any misstep with an unintended consequence in your strategy requires you to pull back in a non-emotional way. My situation resulted in a discussion about him not being ready to date exclusively. I handled this well by simply agreeing with him that it was a little presumptuous for us to be discussing a commitment so soon. There were no tears. No drama but the damage of misstep had clearly been done. So I ended our time together knowing that we would see each other in a social setting later in the day. Part of me wanted to avoid it but I knew that doing so was not in my best interest.
Whenever someone begins to take your kindness and attentiveness for granted or is unsure whether they want to exclusively date you (as it should be in a new dating scenario), it is best to pull back and begin to show your attention to others so that he or she does not think they are the sole recipient of your kindness and generosity. You do not want to act cold toward this person or different in any way. You simply want to convey the message that he or she must have clearly misunderstood your intentions to begin with.
So I used my recent birthday as an excuse to bring cupcakes to this event. Not only was I able to re-connect with my friends, make people smile, and meet new people, this act of generosity and dare I say classy behavior did not go unnoticed by this particular man. When he was sitting next to an older group of people, whom I had never met, they were so thankful that he actually reached out to touch my arm in a way to convey that he thought I was doing something great. Why? Because as much as he would like to come off as the playboy in this community he is actually very family oriented and close with his mother (whom he has always described as one of the most generous women he knows).
Pull Back your Contact
Unfortunately, when missteps take place, the pattern in communication must also change. In my case, this means that my priority right now continues to be my own life. I know that many women who are reading this post are likely growing angry with the “game playing” but there really is no other way around it. If you make yourself too available too soon it will cause a problem in the desire and attraction department. This is especially important to keep in mind if you have already been intimate with this person. Your behavior following any intimate time is particularly delicate.
In my case, that meant leaving the particular venue early and without notice. I have a habit of doing this anyway – either arriving later than expected or leaving early. I left early and without notice only to wake up to a text message the following morning about him not being able to find me to say good-bye.
Does this text require a response? Not necessarily.
Your Misstep Can Only Be Mitigated if you had a Strategy to Start With
When it comes to dating, the biggest issue many people have with finding and keeping someone is that they do not enter the situation with a strategy. If you did not have a strategy and did not carefully create your personal branding prior to meeting this person, recovery may not be possible. My plan would not have worked had I not spent the time making friends and becoming a part of this particular community over a period of time.
This is the number one reason why all dating coaches will tell their clients that they have to get the life that they love.
Any successful dating strategy requires being patient. Often times the mistakes that are made are when we move too quickly. Women are especially prone to this. We have a habit of believing we found Prince Charming after five dates only to realize that he does not share the same values and a long-term relationship is not viable.
Your strategy will help you get out of these sticky situations without becoming an emotional basket case. If you understand that you must take into account new information and constantly shift your strategy to accommodate this information, you will be able to think on your feet quite quickly. Doing so shows your value and makes you feel better in the process. Will things work out with this particular guy? Who knows but I am glad I’m not losing sleep over it.
Dr. Jennifer Rhodes
Licensed Psychologist and Founder of Rapport Relationships
Dr. Jennifer Rhodes is a dating coach and seduction expert. She provides dating strategy, consultation, and date coaching services to clients all over the world. She a dating coach based in NYC and a frequently sought out media expert on the topics of seduction, dating, divorce, and relationships.