Seduction Matters: A Woman’s Guide to Dating in San Francisco

So many women are sick and tired of dating in their current city that they actually fantasize about what it would be like to meet someone in another city.  Technology and the lowered cost of traveling have inspired many women to follow their career paths around the world.  However, few women are able to anticipate how much a city’s culture impacts the rules of dating.  It is no secret that many New York women who have been flocking to San Francisco and Silicon Valley have been quite unhappy with their dating prospects in New York.  Women in New York are used to a pick up artist mentality that places seduction in the category of over sexualized behavior rather than true sensuality.    So when these women arrive in San Francisco, there is a little bit of a culture shock.  It can be a shock that lasts for years as women contemplate where all the “good” men have gone.

Much to the contrary, men have not gone anywhere.

San Francisco and Silicon Valley have many eligible, single men looking for a real relationship.  They are not all Peter Pans avoiding commitment and they are not all gay either.  For a NY woman to be successful in her dating life in San Francisco, she is going to have to learn some seduction and dating skills to learn her new environment.  That’s right.  All the seduction and dating skills you learned in NY can go right out the window if you plan to stay in the Bay Area.

San Francisco is NOT New York.  You need to use your seduction skills to entice men to speak with you.

While New York has most definitely been ripping off the best of San Francisco (thank goodness for the better coffee), a New York attitude will not get you very far in the Bay Area.  Neither will your black wardrobe.  San Francisco is a culture based off of breaking with conventional rules, innovation and relationship building.  Then man sitting at the coffee shop in what looks like a dirty t-shirt and jeans may actually be a billionaire.  Money is not used to buy status driven material possessions (although there are a few car fanatics in the area).  Money is used to disrupt the status quo and make the world a better place.

How does a New York woman improve her chances of dating in San Francisco and Silicon Valley?

 

Learn some dating strategy and seduction skills.

New York is a move conventional dating city with more clearly defined gender roles.  San Francisco is blurry and people like it that way.  If you see someone you are interested in at a party or event, be willing to make the initial introduction or at the very least, give a signal (a warm smile, lingering eye contact) that you are indeed interested.  If you appear in a foul mood, unapproachable or too status driven, most men will not want to speak with you.  Men would rather invest their time in someone with a sunnier disposition.

Offer to split the check immediately.  

It is common convention in New York for the man to pay the bill – no questions asked.  Some men even get offended if a woman tries to hard to pay the check.  In the Bay Area, not offering will guarantee that you never see the guy again.  If you asked him out, also be willing to pick up the tab.  He will kindly reciprocate on the next date and this should not be seen as a red flag in the Bay Area.

Become the best dinner party hostess you can be.

The culture of the Bay Area is very health focused.  As such, drinking at bars and lounges does not last well into your 30s as it might in other cities.  Many people feel more comfortable at more intimate dinner parties.  The best way to work you social network is to offer to host and encourage your friends to invite new people (who are hopefully single) to your party every time.

Stop comparing San Francisco to New York.  

It is so hard for true New Yorkers to stop this behavior and I will admit that I am very much a culprit of this one.  The more that you can try to embrace your new home and not make comparisons the faster you will transition from a WTF moment to appreciating what the Bay Area has to offer.

Change your dating mindset.  

The most harmful thing that any woman does while she is single is to convince herself that there simply is a lack of eligible bachelors.  Just like with money, this poverty mindset will get you nowhere.  Try practicing noticing the number of men you pass on a daily basis.  Are you missing opportunities to connect with other?  Most of us are.  Try to be curious about other people and stay off your iPhone while walking down the street!  This is a good opportunity to learn some seduction skills.  Use it learn how to connect with men.

Figure out what you really want.  

If dating is not going swimmingly while you are in the Bay Area, use the downtime to figure out what you really want.  It is difficult to find the right person when you cannot even imagine what that life might look like.  Take advantage of San Francisco’s close proximity to Napa, Sonoma, Lake Tahoe or Big Sur and take yourself on a retreat.   The Bay Area promotes personal growth and development and you should take advantage of this while you can.

Understand that dating in this culture may leave you feeling “unfulfilled.”  

Many women complain that the men are nice enough in the Bay Area but these relationships are missing something.  While you most certainly should not settle, you may want to look into your own personality and your desires and make sure you are making healthy decisions.  A lack of drama can often be a sign of a healthy relationship.

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes speaking on seduction at the Commonwealth Club © 2016 Rikki Ward

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes speaking on seduction at the Commonwealth Club
© 2016 Rikki Ward

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes speaking on seduction at the Commonwealth Club

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes speaking on seduction at the Commonwealth Club

Seduction from a Woman’s Perspective

How Scot McKay and I Started Chatting about Seduction

 

I met Scot at the Elite Man Conference in Plymouth, Massachusetts this year.  I was immediately impressed with Scot’s presentation which went through some pretty controversial topics related to masculinity.  It was clear from our conversations and his presentation that Scot knew what women wanted and was a great teacher.  After my presentation on seduction, which many of the men were thankful that the messaging was the same, Scot approached me to be a guest on his podcast.

I never thought that I would do any work related to the topic of seduction.  However, after working with many women and also experiencing the complete lack of romance in my own dating life, I started to realize that this is an important topic to discuss.  Men and women living in urban areas have become desensitized to romance and have replaced romance, sensuality and seduction with overtly sexual behavior.   Modern women do crave to be desired and many men today seem to miss easy ways to package their interest in a sensual manner.  The consequences are not insignificant.  Missing out on the positive aspects of seduction and sensuality leads to uninspired dating.

I hope that this podcast will start a healthy conversation about what seduction really means and why it is important in all relationships.

Here is summary of what is covered in this podcast:

 

  • Has seduction in the true sense of the word  gone the way of chivalry…seemingly irrelevant in today’s post-modern feminist world?
  • Could confusion about this very topic be why men and women are having a harder time connecting these days on first dates?
  • What is seduction really about?  Why is it a necessary social skill?
  • Why do women constantly sabotage their romantic life and deprive themselves of romantic experiences with men?
  • What mistakes do men make in this area?
  • Practical tips and suggestions!
Dr. Rhodes speaking on seduction at the Elite Man Conference 2016

Seduction in Everyday Life: When your Date is Perfect

When you are living a life you love, you become infinitely more seductive to other people and less prone to being a victim of a manipulative pick up artist.  – Jennifer B. Rhodes, PsyD

Is your date playing games?

One of the complaints I hear from all of my clients is that they are tired of “game playing.” They are tired of someone’s “hot and cold” behavior, someone who comes on too strongly in the beginning and then ghosts them, or someone who does not seem to know what they want. At this stage of my work with a client, I empathize with their frustration but I also push them to understand that their date’s dating behavior is conveying useful data. In fact, it can be quite easy to deduce whether someone is really playing games or is simply scared of being in a new relationship. This information is invaluable and should guide your personal dating strategy and help you understand what seduction actually is.

The Date who Seems too Direct, Put Together, and Utterly Different

Recently, I had a conversation with a male friend who broke up with his girlfriend to date other women. He remarked that he was always very direct about his intentions and made it clear to a woman immediately that he was interested. This was indeed new behavior for him and while he was making an attempt to flirt with me, I reminded him that the Rake’s character does not falter when a women shows a lack of interest. He stopped to think and his insecurities were revealed. I knew that he never persisted with a woman in the face of unclear signals and he would not persist with me. He is a nice guy trying to figure out a new way to interact with women.

The man who is confident, direct, and makes his intentions known is considered the Rake. Women love the honesty because they are tired of anti-seductive men who complain about everything. Further, what makes the honesty work is the man’s real and intense desire to have that particular woman. Without the desire, the directness comes off a controlling. The true seductive character, however, thrives off of unclear or “yellow light” signals. As a woman, your best bet is to play hard to get. If he stops pursuing you, you will immediately see his selfish nature.    I do, however, want to be clear – there is a distinct line between a man pursuing a woman who is unsure if she wants to date him and a man pursuing a woman who is clearly communicating “don not pursue me.”  A person who pushes your boundaries when you have clearly  communicated you are not interested is not seductive and possibly dangerous.    Keep yourself safe and do not ignore obvious red flags.

The Traits of the Siren:  A Classic Feminine Seductive Character

Women can play this character as well but are more prone to display traits of a Siren. While the Rake seduces with words the Siren seduces visually. She represents the male fantasy – a highly sensual and yet self-confident woman who displays a touch of danger. Men fall for her easily and I often hear my male clients chasing down these women (rather than courting a relationship oriented woman) because they have been physically mesmerized and intrigued by her energy. To a group of men, the Siren stands apart from all the other women. She is different and easily seduces a room full of men by just being present.

Seductive Characters May Be a Distraction

When you are dating, you will likely cross paths with these characters. You will see your friends fall for the inappropriate versions of these characters.   They are the ultimate forms of distraction if you are looking for a serious relationship. If you find yourself chasing one of them, stop and ask if you are really ready for a real relationship. Falling for fantasy usually indicates some dissatisfaction with your current life. For example, highly intellectual men often fall for the Siren because they have not had much fun or lived life to the fullest extent possible. These women are filling a void and if you can recognize what is happening, you may be able to use the situation for your own personal growth rather than fall victim to these seductive characters.  The antidote to this distraction is to start living the life you want now.

Dating Coach and Seduction Expert

 

Seduction in Every Day Life: When your Date Plays “Hot and Cold”

Need our Top 10 Tips for Coping with “Hot and Cold” Behavior?

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Is your date playing games?

One of the complaints I hear from all of my clients is that they are tired of “game playing.” They are tired of someone’s “hot and cold” behavior, someone who comes on too strongly in the beginning and then ghosts them, or someone who does not seem to know what they want. At this stage of my work with a client, I empathize with their frustration but I also push them to understand that their date’s behavior is conveying useful data. In fact, it can be quite easy to deduce whether someone is really playing the manipulative game of seduction or is simply scared of being in a new relationship. This information is invaluable and should guide your personal dating strategy.

The Date who Blows “Hot and Cold”

Common conventional dating advice highlights this strategy as emotionally immature. It certainly may be. However, this strategy has long been used as a tool of seduction to increase attraction and desire. In today’s modern dating culture, there are many people who may employ its use on purpose while there are others that simply have no idea what they are doing. I have experienced this first hand and can sympathize with my clients about how frustrating it is – that is until you take your emotions out of the equation. This tool is employed by someone whose character is more of a Coquette who is trying to frustrate you on purpose and only offers a glimmer of hope for happiness, pleasure and perhaps power. This date wants you to chase him or her and it is this game that he or she enjoys immensely.

If you know that your date wants you to chase them AND you can begin to separate your emotions from the situation, you will realize that there are two potential reasons for your dates behavior: He or she is sophisticated enough to do this on purpose OR he does not know what he wants.

What is the Solution for Handling this Type of Seductive Behavior?

The solution? Date other people and do not chase him or her. If he or she is simply confused or scared your absence will likely invite them to stop playing games and ask you what is going on.   This is especially important for women as we tend to fall for these games more often than not. If you stop pursuing and he comes around, it is okay to confront the behavior. Any sign of defensiveness rather than an apology should give you the data you need to know that this person is not looking for a serious relationship. Once you have that data, you may choose whether to continue to enjoy the game playing or move on.

Many of my clients know that I spend much of my time dancing. It is not unheard of in the Latin dance community for men to use their dance skills to try to pick up women.  While there have been many happy couples forged through their love of dance, it is also the place where I personally learned about the man who “blows hot and cold.” These men are usually attractive, have good dance skills and seem aloof and mysterious. You do not find them speaking to many other people and there is usually a ton of chemistry exuded in the beginning. Did I fall “victim” to one of these guys. Probably.  Yet,  I continue to enjoy the game to this day. Once I figured out that he was playing, I cut out my emotions from our interactions. Every once in awhile they resurface and I remind myself that I am human. It happens when you see someone on a regular basis.

Why Cultivating a Life your Love is Key

What this person does not know is that I have done a good job cultivating real friendships and relationships in our shared community. Both men and women contact me to share information about this person and it has helped me stay grounded in my conviction that I will never chase him nor will I fall for him. In this way, I can enjoy the flirtatious behavior on the dance floor and not worry about anything else. Understanding his behavior has given me the freedom to just be myself.  The unintended but wonderful consequence is that freedom makes me highly attractive to all the other men in our community as well.

Tips for Navigating your Date’s “Hot and Cold” Behavior

If you have been experiencing the pain of dealing with someone who goes “hot and cold,” sign up for top 10 tips on handling this behavior!

 

 

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Dr. Jennifer Rhodes

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes

Licensed Psychologist and Founder of Rapport Relationships

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes is a dating coach and seduction expert.  She provides dating strategy, consultation, and date coaching services to clients all over the world.  She a dating coach based in NYC and a frequently sought out media expert on the topics of seduction, dating, divorce, and relationships.

Seduction in Every Day Life: Why Nice People Have More Sex

Seduction in Every Day Life: Why Nice People Have More Sex

One Theory Regarding why Altruistic People have more Sex: Seduction is Inherently Selfless

Over the course of the past month, the Internet has been thoroughly interested in a new study published by Steven Arnocky, PhD in the British Journal of Psychology. According to his research both men and women who self-rate themselves as being higher in altruistic qualities have more dating, casual and long term sex partners. Even when social desirability factors where taken into consideration, altruistic behavior predicted more dating, casual and long-term sex partners for men and more casual partners for women. Yet, the article was not able to conclude why this is the case.   It surmised that from an evolutionary standpoint, men in hunter-gather societies who shared their food displayed altruistic behavior by sharing their food with other without expecting anything in return.

To me, this sounds exactly like what seduction is supposed to be.

Over the years, the so-called “seduction community” has made a lot of money providing socially awkward individuals with the tools or the rules to better understand women. Yet, what has transpired has been a growing population of men trained to operate from an inherently selfish place, often expecting women to fall to their feet if they successful execute a specific strategy properly.

Not only is this ridiculous but it does a disservice to both men and women by circumventing the opportunity to actually learn what drives attraction and desire. While many may argue that the secret to the seduction community is its focus on short term versus long term mating strategies, research as reported above shed new light on what many women seek even in a casual hook up. Is it then possible to think about seduction as it is meant to truly be – a skill to lead someone along, not exploit others, in an effort to altruistically give someone what he or she wants without the expectation of something in return? Could it really be that men, who selflessly give women what they desire without the selfish expectation of sex in return (and dare I say enjoy this), actually do better with women in the short term as well as long term and vice versa?

In my opinion, I believe they do.

We have long known from an evolutionary standpoint that women are attracted to men who possess resources and are generous with those resources. Altruism would have then developed as a trait to increase the likelihood of increased mate selection for men. In modern times, hunting has turned into displays of financial wealth. As modern women, however, have become more financially independent, they too have grown more attuned to men who showcase wealth for ulterior motives versus men who are selfless givers. Their desires have grown past simple financial security and they are on guard for men who may want them solely for a sexual encounter.

In today’s world, women are looking for more than a hot body and someone who throws their money around to serve his own ego. They are inherently attracted to men who may find a few moments to volunteer for a cause he is passionate about or is dedicating part of his career to a philanthropic cause. The proof is in the millennial generation’s value of authenticity over status.

Simply building a lifestyle is no longer enough. One must have passion and desire to put the needs of others before their own.

To be truly seductive in our modern age, men need to move beyond simple “tips and tricks” and truly cultivate a life that a woman would like to be a part of. Altruism, therefore, collaborates nicely with seduction as a social skill, and begins to take the focus off of doing for others to feed your ego and moves it to doing for others for the sake of the larger community. While we can argue that altruistic behavior may be part of a long term initial investment that does later lead to getting one’s need met, the person with true altruism and seduction skills understands that sometimes an investment does not produce a return and that is still okay. Both men and women appreciate others who are emotionally open enough to invest and not expect something in return.

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes

Licensed Psychologist and Founder of Rapport Relationships

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes is a dating coach and seduction expert.  She provides dating strategy, consultation, and date coaching services to clients all over the world.  She a dating coach based in NYC and a frequently sought out media expert on the topics of seduction, dating, divorce, and relationships.

Why Seduction is a Necessary Ingredient for an Effective Dating Strategy

Why Seduction is a Necessary Ingredient for an Effective Dating Strategy

From Casanova to Tinder: The Downfall of Seduction and Sensuality

I am not quite sure how our culture has gone from the days of Casanova to Tindering but things have certainly changed in dating.  Our culture seems to believe that if you put two people in a room together who are “right for each other” than all kinds of magic will happen.  As a matchmaker, I can tell you that this is not the case.  It is not the physical proximity that ignites the spark that everyone is seeking.  Chemistry is actually created and we have lost the ability to manifest it simply because most of us do not understand the basic tenets of attraction and seduction.

What is Seduction Really About?

Over the years, and certainly since Neil Strauss published his book The Game, seduction has received negative attention. Spurring an industry of what some people consider manipulative pick up artists, seduction has become synonymous with ill intention and sleaziness. Unfortunately, the average person often misses the more sophisticated meaning behind seduction as a process – one that is often a very intellectual one. Seduction simply refers to the social skills one uses to focus on another person. Seduction requires you to have enough skill to stop worrying about whether someone likes you, to focus on their needs, to find out their desires, and to create a courtship that involves romance and sometimes a little bit of an illusion. It is not meant to hurt others (although there are examples displayed in our media about overly seductive personas using their skills for less than noble pursuits).

I have started to work with more and more men in my coaching practice who want to learn these so-called seduction skills. They think that seduction is a line used, a word choice or a technique. While much of the pick up artist community will tell these men that seduction IS those skills, they are not. Someone who truly embodies what it means to be seductive can say almost anything, do almost anything and still charm a date, friend or a community. Seduction requires self-confidence and a healthy desire to learn about other people.

In today’s Tindering culture, we are so focused on ourselves that we cannot even begin to think about a long term dating strategy that would use seduction as a way to court someone into a long-term relationship. Both men and women are guilty of destroying the very thing that they desire. We all want to be seduced but rarely are able to let go of our fears long enough to allow someone into our lives with these skills.

So what is considered anti-seductive in today’s world?

 

Asking someone out but not having a plan.

The great seducers always plan ahead. They are thoughtful about the environment and take great steps towards getting to know someone just well enough to choose an environment that will help create chemistry. Whoever does the asking better well understand this process. It does not need to be an expensive wine bar but it does need to be an environment that creates relaxation and the energy for chemistry to happen.

Talking about work before anything else.

One of my biggest pet peeves in NY is the focus on what everyone does for a living. Honestly, it really doesn’t matter – especially on a first date or when you first meet someone. You job is to see if you are having a good time with someone first. Talking about work shifts the energy into a job interview scenario and automatically elicits boring conversation.

Spending too much time with the person when you first meet him or her.

If you are out with your friends and happen to meet someone, great!! Do not spend the rest of the night with him or her. Simply get to the point where exchanging numbers is appropriate and move on. Chemistry is often killed before it gets started by spending too much time together.

Not recognizing that a spark is just a spark.

I have sparks with lots of people and I am going to assume many of you do too. That does not mean that person is right for you. If you skip past the seductive process you do not give either of you a chance to see what the potential is AND you miss out on a lot of fun along the way!

Not having your own life.

Many dating coaches and matchmakers make it a point to work with their clients to make sure they have a life they love prior to introducing them to other people. Why? It helps manage anxiety, makes you appear more desirable and will help your relationship last longer. Most people do not realize that long-term relationships need space as well as closeness for them to work well over time. Having your own life and your own goals from the start will set the stage for long term relationship success AND you will have more fun

Seduction is not a dirty word

In general, seduction should not be a dirty word. Our culture has actually become less seductive as we have become more sexualized in our media and with the advent of technology coinciding with the hookup culture. Those who are in the know about what seduction really is often enjoy a much more fulfilling dating life and end up in marriages with long term potential.

Rapport takes steps to walk all clients through a 90 day process to help them do a complete transformation and to help them work on their seduction skills. To get started, contact Dr. Rhodes for either your free mini consultation or book your dating strategy session now.

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes

Licensed Psychologist and Founder of Rapport Relationships

Dr. Jennifer Rhodes is a dating coach and seduction expert.  She provides dating strategy, consultation, and date coaching services to clients all over the world.  She a dating coach based in NYC and a frequently sought out media expert on the topics of seduction, dating, divorce, and relationships.