Staying In Line While Dating Online

Staying In Line While Dating Online

Ever since I was old enough to understand crushes and relationships, I have relied on any and every sign that could point me towards how my relationships were going to unfold. From Linda Goodman’s zodiac sagacity to the hundreds of Cosmopolitan quizzes, anything that I thought would calm my nerves was always scattered on my desktop. By the time I reached my twenties and started pursuing the men I had swiped right on, I was perplexed by how to quickly ascertain the data I needed to make the best decisions in my love life. Surely the actual stories of these men were deeper than the modest amounts of information on their dating profiles! I mean I’m not sure that the fish they held with heavy pride, quotes derived from popular/ rap music, and/ or links to their creative instagram pages were all that helpful? Several dates, many drinks and a few failed relationships later, I decided it was time to figure out how to  extract the information that I needed in less than ten dates. While I’m still trying to find my Mr. Perfect online, I thought I would share my step-by-step guide to tackling the real Tinder experience.

Eject the stigma.  Just because you’re on a date with a stranger from a dating app, it does not make you any less than your girlfriend who met her love in a cafe or amusement park. Congratulate yourself for expanding your horizons and for putting yourself out there. The judgement from society can wait! Enjoy that rush of adrenaline and wash it down with some wine.

Leave your rating scale behind.  You’re nervous, you’re excited, you’re scared. Don’t worry!  I guarantee he is too! It doesn’t matter what either of you are looking for- you’re doing it together- as absolute strangers! If he dropped a fry or spilled a cup of water, give him a chance to clean his mess before you bring out the judgement police within you. I, too, once tried to end a date as soon as he spilled his wine on himself.  Thank goodness I didn’t! After all, my patience was rewarded not only by a pity glass of wine from the waiter, but also a great conversation towards the end of my night with him.

Your past doesn’t predict your future and neither does his! Talking about all your missed connections will probably ensure you miss this one too. Moreover, asking him about his horrible Tinder experiences will not prevent him from using your date as an anecdote for his next one. Be present in the moment and focus on what he brings to the table. Discussing your pasts will only make room for biases and preconceived notions that will end up driving your date towards a dead end.

The sun and the moon can guide you but it isn’t a magical formula. Every date with a stranger has always brought up one very important question in my mind:“Is his sun sign vicious? Does his rising sign guard behaviors that I can’t see? Oh god- I hope he’s not a Gemini!” While all these factors can tell you the overall strengths and weaknesses of his character, we have to exert some patience.  Why are we so hasty to want to know the end point before we even begin the uncovering process? Where’s the chase? In the end, their zodiac can’t really prove if they’ll make you a mean steak on your next date! (Actually, their sun signs will never give you an accurate picture at all. You would need todo a full birth chart analysis and I’m not sure that’s really appropriate for a first date!)

They say there are many fish in the sea. Reeling in too tight will put you at risk of snapping your line, losing out on possibly the biggest catch of your life! Hook, line and sinker with all your heart! The only control you have over the process is the quality of bait you show up with on your date! Don’t worry about how they come off, just give them the best version of you!. Online dating, like all other kinds of dating, is a trial and error affair- you’ll find what you find as soon as you get out of your head and into the present moment! So go tinker with Tinder and socialize like the Bumble bee you are! You never know who you are going to meet!

Baruni Sharma

Baruni Sharma

Intern

Baruni Sharma is a Senior studying psychology at Sarah Lawrence College.  She has interests in clinical research, child development, and relationship science. You may follow her on Instagram @_baruni.

Why Conforming on a First Date is a Bad Idea: A Jazz Date Gone Awry

Why Conforming on a First Date is a Bad Idea: A Jazz Date Gone Awry

Most of us have heard from experts and the internet to “be ourselves” when we meet new people. Professionally, personally, and, most of all, romantically, “conforming” has shown itself in constant, varying patterns. How many times have you been on a date and heard “I like jazz Music too!”?  It can be difficult to know whether people are being truthful or trying to please you.

What is Conforming?

In the dating world, conforming is when you act similarly to the person you are dating — in personality, interests, or experiences– even if it may not be how you typically act. Pick up artists, in particular, will increase their chances of “scoring” by conforming to the answers and moods of the person in question. It’s an understandable practice — when you’re nervous before a first date, you may find yourself accidentally blurting out, “Me? I also love death metal!” just to make a connection with the cutie sitting across from you at the table. I totally get it– you’re looking for things to talk about to make the conversation for the other person easy and enjoyable even if you are telling half-truths left and right. But while conforming may be the easiest way to go about your dinner date conversation in the moment, you run many risks when you offhandedly agree to everything your date says and does.

This Risks of Conforming

In the entire process of conforming, you lose the essence of a first date– the fun. While we lie and placate the other person, we stress ourselves in multiple ways. On the surface, when we conform, we are under pressure to know the subject we claim to love, and know it thoroughly. Moreover, we are constantly worried about anything blowing our covers.

Going beyond this stress, we also miss the chance to accurately determine our compatibility with the other person. Feigning interest in something that actually bores you will only jeopardize the chances of both of you getting to know each other well. Another embarrassing effect of conforming can be the chances of revealing your false interest several dates later; when your date invites you to the Dark Tranquility concert next week and you absentmindedly reply, “Who?”

Not only is a situation like this embarrassing, but it can also break the trust of the person you’re dating. As many people value trust in a relationship, showing a potential partner that you already aren’t being 100% truthful with them may be a breach in their trust. While of course this wasn’t your initial intention, your goal to please your date may backfire more severely than you would think.

My Experience with Conforming

I once dated a man who completely swept me off my feet with his interests in music and travel. I was intrigued by the fact that he had studied jazz history and traveled all over France just like I had. Moreover, the fact that he was older and more mature was another bonus. I indulged him for a couple more dates until I decided to take him to a jazz bar in New York. I was shocked that I had not noticed the fake ID he had been using to get into every bar we had been going to. To exacerbate the situation, the young gentleman did not seem to have any interest in any of the jazz numbers the live band was playing. After all that, I was not interested to have a look at his passport for his real name, age or even his Schengen Visa for Paris.

So the next time you are on a first date, don’t conform to every single thing your date says or does. Instead, express genuine interest in what they are talking about and ask them to tell you more about it. That way, you can still enjoy a lively conversation about something your date is passionate about while still being truthful to yourself. So if you want a genuine shot at a happily-ever-after in jazz world or Paris, be honest, be true and be you.

Baruni Sharma

Baruni Sharma

Rapport Intern

Baruni Sharma is a Senior studying psychology at Sarah Lawrence College.  She has interests in clinical research, child development, and relationship science.